Idiots Guide to ‘Lympic Events #1 : Diving

The ‘Lympics is basically wall-to-wall fun unless you are one of those strange folks who doesn’t like sport. Or even understand it. Luckily, there are some events that are easier than Lindsay Lohan, and therefore comprehensible to even the most unsporting of minds. In the next few days, I’ll bring you up to speed on what you need to know to bluff your way through the next fortnight. First up: diving.

What:               Well, that is hopefully self-explanatory. Granted, there are different disciplines (springboard and platform, synchro and solo) but it all revolves around the same concept. You climb up there and dive off. Simples

Who:                Britain’s Tom Daley is pretty much the face (and self-satisfied smirk) of the Games, never mind the sport itself. He is, however, streets behind China’s Qui Bo, who is clear favourite for the gold.

Where:             In a fucking swimming pool.  This one, to be precise.

How:               Essentially, it comes down to one golden rule; splash bad. Big splash bad, small splash good, no splash excellent. It must be stressed, before the real lateral thinkers start piping up, that one is obliged to dive; it may be true that the ultimate method to avoid splash would be not jump in the water, but that doesn’t really get good marks. As for marks – use your head. The more you think “Christ, I couldn’t do that”, the better they’re doing.

Do say:            “That over-rotation could cost him. And his ankles were coming apart a little”

Don't say:        "Ever see that John Smith's ad? Hilarious"