'Lympic Ladies #13 - The Unlucky Lookers

One of the less likely side-effects of running this blog is being supplied with what can really only be described as a supply of porn from contributors all over. "Hey, have you seen this Slovakian table-tennis player?!?!" they cry, before attaching a video of a woman who has eschewed the bat and taken the game to a completely different level. That's not what you're getting here though - this is a small collection of the hottest properties who didn't quite make the London Games. Rather than burden someone with the bad luck of competing as Lady #13, we go with the absentees. I've typed the words "Michelle Jenneke isn't at the Olympics" more times that I care to remember, so fuck it, I might as well give in and give you what you want.

Michelle Jenneke



Shelly Jenneke is a perfectly decent athlete at junior level, finishing 5th in the World Junior Championships in Barcelona this year. She warms up for races, however, in a fashion that any veteran would be proud of.

Allison Stokke 

Allison Stokke is a Southern California girl. She first came to people's attention while in high school at Newport Beach, and it wasn't really her pole-vaulting ability: rather, the fact that she is hotter than the sun. She is now at Cal Berkeley, and still a mile off international standard. I learned all this off by heart a few years ago because everyone asks, all the time.



Snezana Rodic

A Slovenian triple jumper, Snezana Rodic's main claim to fame appears to have little to do with her athletic abilities, and more with her contributions to a cryptically named website titled Girls In Yoga Pants. Which is fine, I suppose. Doesn't make her an Olympic athlete by any means, but she's giving something to society and that's what counts.

Kate Upton

So, she may not be an athlete. So what? This is a blog about good-looking women who are not at the Olympics. Kate Upton is a very good looking woman, and is not at the Olympics. Do we have any problems? No? Good.

Breaking Bolt

The blue riband event of any athletics meet, the men's 100m final is always a big deal. In the Olympics, it is - for many people - the centrepiece of the whole fortnight, the chance to find the fastest human on the planet. It is safe to say, though, that rarely has there been the sort of excitement that surrounds the event in London.

Of course, Usain Bolt's performance in Beijing didn't just light up the Bird's Nest Stadium. It ignited a whole new level of interest in the race, and launched the Jamaican into the stratospheric tier of global mega-stars. This year, though, it hasn't been the mind-blowing times or Bolt's domination of the event that has people talking - it's the possibility that he might be beaten.

The list of pretenders to the crown is indeed impressive. Justin Gatlin, back from a drug ban, is a former Olympic champion in his own right. Yohan Blake is the reigning world champion after Bolt's disqualification in Daegu. Asafa Powell is a former world record holder, and Tyson Gay is the only human aside from Bolt to have gone under 9.7 seconds. But can any of them really beat Bolt?

Well no. Not really, like. Without sounding too patronising - or putting a pseudo-philosophical twist on things - only Bolt can beat Bolt. Whether it's injury, a false-start, complacency, whatever, there needs to be a reason that the fastest man in the field is not the fastest man on the night. If the race is run at a 9.75 pace, there are at least five men who could take it. If it's run at 9.7 dead, it could be between Blake and Bolt. If the clock stops at 9.6 - or even below - there's only one name that could be next to that time.

Bolt admitted he has had an injury issue lately - the same injury which was pointed to as the reason for his defeats at the Jamaican trials. But he seems close to his best, and frankly a Bolt close to his best is still better than the rest. He is also the coolest man on the planet; it is close to impossible to imagine the mental frailties that have plagued Powell taking hold of Bolt.

The intrigue is definitely there, and the heats this morning suggested the track is absolutely lightning - Ryan Bailey's 9.88 proving the speed we can expect. Tomorrow night will see a spectacle - expect Bolt to be at the front of the pack.

'Lympic Ladies #12 - Jessica Ennis

There's been plenty of positives to come from the build-up to the Olympics - the comedic planning errors, the blanket coverage on the Beeb, Boris Johnson. But perhaps the finest side-show in the months preceeding the Games has to be the non-stop presence of the ubiquitous face of British track and field - Jessica Ennis.

The Sheffield heptathlete is quite possibly the most multi-talented, versatile female athlete on the planet - and does it all while looking damn fine. Petite and exotic, eloquent and polite, funny and charming when she needs to be, Jess has the whole package.

Sure, it may be a little humiliating. After all, it's not all that nice to know that your girlfriend can run faster than you, jump higher and farther, throw things better, whatever. She's probably unbelievable at FIFA and everything. But if she looked like Jess, you'd probably get over it.

The I-Could've-Sworn-There-Was-Running-In-This-Oh-Look-Here-It-Is!!! Blog - Irish at the Olympics: Day 7

After days of fencing fellatio, canoeing cunnilingus and heavy handball petting, the foreplay of the first six days was done. Day 7 of the Olympics finally brought us to the Olympic Stadium, as the athletics programme kicked off. We didn't have to wait long for a pale figure in an Irish singlet to appear either, as Kilkenny's Joanne Cuddihy went in the first heat of the women's 400m. She was well off her best, but a time of 52.09 seconds was just about good enough to earn a spot in the semis as a fastest loser. She'll be back on the track at 8ish tomorrow.

Less fortunate was Annalise Murphy, who for the first time in the women's Laser Radial finds herself dislodged from the summit of the standings after the second race of the day. Second and tenth place finishes were enough to keep her in the top two, though she now trails Belgium's Evi van Acker by a solitary point. In the 49er class, Seaton and McGovern have four races to make up the two point difference between their current 11th place and a spot in the 10 crew final. O'Leary and Burrows stand in ninth ahead of their medal race on Sunday.

James Espey decided to reach out to fellow strugglers Ger Owens and Scott Flanigan (right) by giving them a barbecue to break the monotony of the whole stupid racing business. They had a wonderful time, and scarcely noticed the fact that the rest of the field has spent the past week disappearing in the horizon - both literally and figuratively.

Tonight, of course, sees plenty more action, as Ciaran O Lionaird goes in the 1500m, and Fionnuala Britton passes the best part of half and hour in the worst possible way, by running 10000m. Surely, unless you've missed a train or something, there's no reason to run that far. There's probably more reason to be prepared to punch someone right in the face - something both Adam Nolan and Michael Conlon will be trying to do this evening. It is Friday, however, so I'll be watching from a local public house; review of those events to come in the morning...

'Lympic Legends #5 - Boris Johnson

The fact that Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson isn't an athlete is beside the point. The fact that the only time we saw him involved in a sporting event, it resulted in the worst tackle in football history, irrelevant. The simple fact is that the London Games would be nothing - nothing - without a sense of humour, and Boris embodies that quality to a T.

Take the handover from Beijing. All handshakes and earnest thanks, there was little by way of entertainment or tone-setting moments, until Boris stepped up to the microphone. With Gordon Brown utterly terrified at the prospect of the verbose yet logorrhea-stricken Boris insulting absolutely everyone, the world watched on as the floppy-haired orangutan lookalike lectured the Chinese on the history of ping-pong. In one moment, the precise perfection of the 2008 Olympics was left behind, and the buffoonery and charm of London was laid in full view.

Since then, it's been the Boris show. Whether it's watching "semi naked women...glistening like wet otters", or hanging over his constituents on a zipline bantering jovially with the gathered masses (see video), Johnson rewrites the book on being an authority figure in one of the world's biggest cities. That, without a doubt, seals his spot as a 'Lympic Legend. Rio just won't be the same without him.

'Lympic Ladies #11 - Eloise Amberger

The Dutch field hockey ladies have been garnering a considerable amount of attention, and deservedly so. But there's another squad of girls who have stolen some of the limelight, and put it right up to the Oranjes in a battle for the hottest team of the Games. The Australian synchronised swimming team are a collection of smokeshows, and one stands out - introducing Eloise Amberger.

The Brisbane native - whether she goes blonde or brunette - is a legitimate bombshell. In a squad full of cracking looking girls, it takes something quality to stand out, and as usual a propensity to get her kit off seals Eloise's right as the one to take her spot in the hallowed halls of the 'Lympic Ladies.

Of course, she'll be mainly underwater wearing a nose-clip, which isn't really the most becoming of looks. But out of the pool - well, there's plenty to enjoy.

The Five-Boats-Two-Swimmers-And-A-Dancing-Horse Blog - Irish at the Olympics: Day 6

The day started - where most of the Irish day would take place - on the water, as Sanita Puspure (left)  found herself relegated to the C/D final. She made the best of the situation though, and rowed rowed rowed her boat rather quickly down the stream, merrily merrily merrily merrily finishing first. Sure, it's a bit of a World's Tallest Midget situation, but it's a happy ending to her week. Another positive result came on the rapids, as Hannah Craig qualified for the final of the women's K1 Slalom. She snuck into the medal stage in tenth place, and tenth is exactly where she finished, but that still represented a successful effort for the Northern Irish woman, and she can leave with her head held high.

The swimmers had a somewhat more disappointing day, though Barry Murphy will presumably be pleased that his failure this morning was seen by more people than his failure on Saturday. His exit from the 50m free was followed by Melanie Nocher's elimination from the 200m backstroke. She took to Twitter to blame gastrointestinal issues over the past few days, and blamed it in detail. Vomiting, trips to the toilet, the #twitterontheshitter tag was never more applicable.

On the water, there were more races, and not a lot more to report. O'Leary and Burrows look good to make the top ten and progress to the medals race, currently standing in 9th, while the 49ers Seaton and McGovern are also ninth with two races remaining. Ger Owens and Scott Flanagan took a page out of James Espey's book, and are in 23rd position, though they have 8 races left to make up the difference.

Much to my chagrin, the dancing horses were back, and incredibly they're still going! Anna Merveldt finished 7th, and will progress to the medal stages later this week.

One man with no further part to play, however, is Darren O'Neill (right, in red), who became the first Irish casualty in the boxing ring. His comprehensive defeat at the hands of Stefan Hartel saw him exit the competition, but the Irish captain still has plenty to do supporting the rest of the team - Michael Conlon and Adam Nolan in action tomorrow.

Day 6 - The Liveblog!

Join us from 1:30(ish) for live updates on the action in London - boxing, sailing, anything else that takes the fancy. Highlight of the afternoon should be Darren O'Neill (right), fighting for a place in the quarter-finals. He is due in the ring at 14:45. Otherwise, sit back and relax!



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18:52: And that, folks, will do it for me; for the liveblog anyway. Keep an eye out for the review of the day, and for another 'Lympic Lady, and rejoin me tomorrow for more of this nonsense. Holla.

18:51: ANOTHER WORLD RECORD!! Team GB with a 42.600 run, and its another gold for the Brits. They've had a heck of a day.

18:50: Britain v France for the gold. Here we go!

18:36: Well, the Chinese aren't eager to get their silver medals. They have headed off, with blazer boy in tow, and the medal ceremony is delayed. I'm making a cup of tea.

18:30: It's all kicking off in the velodrome!! By which I mean, there is one man in a blazer trying to explain whats going on, and there is a coach pointing a finger and looking disapprovingly. Replays show there's about the width of a gnat's cock in it, but the decision is made, and there is no appeals route.

18:28: The wheels overlapped - the same offence that saw the Brits eliminated - and it's heartbreak for the Chinese.

18:26: Hang on, they're not! China are DQed, and Germany are the champions

18:18: Well, nearly everything. They're not very good at hurdles, Liu Xiang aside...

18:17: Gabby Douglas wins gold in the all-round gymnastics. People assume I'm just talking out of my arse when it comes to things like American gymnastics, but I actually kinda know what I'm on about. China win gold in the women's team sprint. They're good at fecking everything now, aren't they?

18:15: Bronze for the Aussies; they'll be disappointed its not gold, to be honest.

18:10: ANOTHER WORLD RECORD! Hoy crosses the line in 42.747 seconds, and the roof is lifting off the velodrome. It's GB -v- France for the gold. For now, its Australia v Ukraine for the women's bronze.

18:09: To the sound of a very fine entrance song indeed, the Brits are out. Hindes, Hoy and Kenny

18:07: New Zealand and France race in heat three of the quarters, and the French take a comfortable victory, with the quickest time so far

18:04: Aussie Aussie Aussie! Win by .2 of a second. All teams very aware of the changeovers too, after the disappointment of Pendleton and Varnish earlier. Photos of Vicky crying are starting to surface. Varnish is, apperently, rather more ok about it all.

18:03: Australia against China now - this should be a cracker. Blink and you miss it stuff here

18:02: The Germans are through. They're all built like Panzer tanks, but move with a little more haste.

17:56: The men's sprint is just a few minutes away. I just had a shower because the HQ is about to be infiltrated by people who don't appreciate the smell of sweat and stale coffee that comes with a live blog.

17:46: NEW WORLD RECORD! The velodrome certainly isn't quiet anymore! The Brits take .8 of a second off the previous mark - that, by the way, is a considerable amount in the scheme of things

17:41: Actually, there's a British men's pursuit team, there's a bit of noise now. Geraint Thomas, Ed Clancy and co. get the volume up again.

17:40: The men's pursuit is still going on, but frankly everyone has taken a break til the British men re-emerge for the men's team sprint. Couldn't care less at this point.

17:37: Aly Raisman with one 'l'. Like an appreciative patient after chiropractic treatment, I stand corrected.

17:35: Gymnastics going nicely - eyes will be on Gabby Douglas who will be hot favourite to win in Wieber's absence. Eyes also on, er, is it Ally Raisman? I'll have to double check that, but she's the one that kept Wieber out anyway. The bitch.

17:32: The Chinese will look to cement their place atop the medals board with a win in the final of the women's team sprint - they take on Germany. Apparently Pendleton has resurfaced in the infield, but is still crying. What a Jessie.

17:26: The women's gymnastics all-round is in progress on TV 2. No Jordyn Wieber, but still plenty of flips, spins and general fucking with the laws of physics to be enjoyed.

17:22: On RTE they are discussing the boxing judging - the slightly tinkered system in place for these Games has certainly drawn a lot of attention. If you missed it earlier, this is The 'Lympics Log's take on things

17:19: The men are pursuiting around the track, the Danes currently setting the pace. Pendleton, meanwhile, is said to have already left the building.

17:15: For those unfamiliar with the rules, the second rider has to stay behind the back wheel of her teammate until after the first lap has finished. Pendleton had crept beyond that mark, and so they are eliminated. She is, presumably, crying; the crowd boo enthusiastically. The mood now, to be honest, just seems deflated.

17:12: Britlanders God Save our Queening all over the place, a shooting gold to go with a 1-2 finish in the canoeing pairs. There'll be no gold for the Pendleton/Varnish pairing in the track cycling though - an illegal changeover sees them disqualified

17:09: Speaking of highly-held heads, Hannah Craig should be tremendously proud of reaching the final of the women's slalom, where she finished tenth in the end. She's far from the top ten in the world rankings - outdid herself in qualifying for the final, in truth.

17:08: Darren O'Neill is on RTE, giving his reaction to Marty Morrissey. Predictably disappointed, recognises he was probably below his best. "I'll walk out with my head held high". And well he should.

17:07: Going back to the boxing earlier, Anthony Ogogo's win was subject to an appeal, but the decision was upheld. Probably had reason to question it, Ogogo had two standing counts.

17:06: OK, we're back! BBC move on to bullying a judo player - a risky tactic, to be fair. They've got the tears they wanted though, so its high-fives all round.

16:19: To be honest, I'm starting to lag a bit. Might have to take a break before the real business on the track starts - finals are at 18:00ish, we'll be back in action here at 17:00. Until then, take it easy.

16:14: Bullying losers is clearly not just an Irish thing - the Beeb are trying to upset Mark Cavendish. Shouldn't be too hard - not only did his road race go badly on Saturday, he was also the only one of the 12 person track team who didn't bring home a medal from Beijing. Which is madness, when you think about it.

16:10: China?! Seriously?! Like, is there anything they can't fucking do?!?! They just broke the World Record GB set, which stood for a grand total of about 3 minutes.

16:08: And the Brits set a new World Record! By the by, that thing about Horse Guards Parade being the loudest venue? Scratch that. This velodrome is an absolute cauldron - hardly surprising when you consider the dominance of Team GB over the past number of years.

16:06: Pendleton to resume rivalry with Anna Meares - GB -v- Australia is the big rivalry on the velodrome

16:05: Woohoo, track cycling! Including our 'Lympic Lady Vicky Pendleton

16:02: To give an idea of Hannah Craig's time, she is currently over 20 seconds off the leader after just 2 other athletes. So, not very good you'd have to say

16:01: Well, that's the Irish done for the day. We're sticking around though - just trying to find the most exciting thing on offer this afternoon. Suggestions, anyone?

15:57: 127.36 is her time - over 10 seconds down from what she managed earlier.

15:55: 6 penalty seconds, its a lot slower than her qualifying time and that's a disappointment. Still an Olympic final - savage stuff

15:54: Go on Hannah! Mistake at Gate 5 loses time, and a penalty, but there's plenty left to run

15:53: OK, we're almost due back at the Lee Valley for the women's K1 slalom final, and Ireland's Hannah Craig. As the tenth and final qualifier, I assume she'll be off first - and she is! Right now!!

15:51: 21-21, as the serving from both teams falls to pieces. Another shot for GB at 22-21 though...and Mullin puts the serve long again! This is turning shit, to be fair.

15:50: GB have setpoint - and miss it. The British crowds are obviously noisy everywhere, but perhaps nowhere quite like Horse Guards Parade. There's some craic to be had there, I'd say.

15:46: From an Irish point of view, Ger Owens and Scott Flanagan are 23rd in the 470 class. Sailing, if you're not familiar. O'Leary and Burrows are ninth overall with two races to go in the Star - the top 10 make it to the medal race.

15:42: Women's beach volleyball - this will pass a few minutes anyway. Shauna Mullin of Team GB is really disappointing though. The Russians are looking good though, as is Zara Dampney

15:38: The Azerbaijani fighter is giving it socks, but is still getting his ears boxed off when Steve fancies it. Final bell goes, and it's 24-11 to our Stevie. Quality performance. Right, what else is on? Hannah Craig is back in 20 minutes, by the way

15:34: Meanwhile, if you're wondering how the biggest stars of the Games pass their time, wonder no more. Usain Bolt fills his day like every other bloke on the planet

15:33: Another sweet round from Steve, and he leads 15-8. Can't see any way Migitinov wins from here.

15:30: 8-3 to the Brazilian after the first session, as a throw sees Steve land on the deck. He's actually a fair mover, this lad. Crafty southpaw, rapid left hand, absolute textbook Olympic amateur in many ways.

15:28: Speaking of controversy, there were three appeals at the canoeing, including one from Hannah Craig. In the end, all three were thrown out and the results are as they stood - Craig through in tenth position.

15:27: Steve is apparently the mirror image of his brother, a light-heavyweight who himself made the quarter-finals last night. Controversially, of course

15:24: One more middleweight contest before we switch the boxing off, and it will feature an Irishman in the ring: referee Michael Gallagher. Soltan Migitinov of Azerbaijan enters, one of 7 boxers from there. The fact that the World Champs were there might have something to do with that, you feel. His opponent is a Brazilian with an enormous and very difficult name, so we'll call him Steve.

15:22: Oh, and here come the tears. The ritualistic bullying of unsuccessful athletes is difficult to watch. Michael Lyster appears to be hell-bent on getting her to talk about vomiting anyway, but Melanie skillfully avoids it. Good on you, girl!

15:20: Melanie Nocher is actually looking very well. Certainly for someone who has been firing from all cylinders for the past few days.

15:17: As an aside - though possibly not a million miles away from Nocher's gastro-intestinal issues - it is extraordinary how badly I've eaten through these Olympics. Not spent more than 5 minutes in the kitchen in the past week.

15:12: Melanie Nocher doing an interview shortly. If she starts talking about how "the toilet was her priority" again, I'm gonna scream.

15:10: I'll tell you something - a sneaky 50p on Ogogo to medal looks like a decent shout right now. The first fight was probably more impressive than Hartel -v- O'Neill, I believe.

15:07: So, the Irish team suffers its first boxing defeat of the tournament. Still plenty to look forward to - and not just in the ring, either. Less than an hour and Hannah Craig will be heading out again in the final!

15:05: O'Neill beaten comprehensively, 19-12. Disappointment for O'Neill and for Ireland, as the crowd shows its appreciation.

15:04: He was swinging, but you feel he's gone down. Hartel was definitely the better fighter, and the Irish captain will be going home.

15:03:  One minute left, might as well go down swinging Darren!

15:01: Three minutes left for O'Neill to rescue this

15:00: With one round to go, O'Neill trails 14-8. Hartel is getting through with combinations, punches in bunches. O'Neill probably needs a stoppage here

14:58: Jesus, this is tough work. For O'Neill and Craig, but also me. I think I'm going cross-eyed... O'Neill is boxing a little better this round I think, mixing up the body and head shots well

14:56: At the Lee Valley, Hannah Craig is in 10th and therefore qualifies for the final! Wonderful achievement.

14:55: O Neill took a huge left hand to the chin, but took it well. Has to watch that. End of the first, and it's 6-4 to the German

14:54: After the hellfire and brimstone of the last contest, this is an altogether more cagey affair. O'Neill happy to cede the centre of the ring and fight from the outside

14:52: It's Darren O'Neill vs Stefan Hartel for a place in the last eight. The Kilkenny man does indeed have plenty of support - opponent even greeted with boos. Here we go - can our 100% record continue?

14:51: Well, there was certainly a bit of excitement there, O'Neill will be heading into some atmosphere - and here he comes!!

14:48: 18-18, but Ogogo is through! The crowd goes mental! Even the countback was equal at 52-52, but Ogogo gets the nod!! Oh!! We talked about the effect a crowd could have!!

14:47: Decision is in... and it looks like a countback! The 10,000 strong crowd at the ExCel chant "Team GB"

14:46: Great shots from Kytrov with 10 seconds left - that may have swung it in his favour.

14:45: Ogogo takes a few solid shots against the ropes, he looks wrecked. This one is going to be close!

14:43: This is a pretty high-quality contest - be interesting to see how O'Neill compares. He'll be in the ring within 5 minutes, if you need to locate a telly

14:40: Another standing count. The crowd applaud the referees decision. Actually, no, they boo viciously. Ogogo still leads, but there's one point in it with three minutes to go.

14:39: Ogogo is starting to struggle a little, I think. Working cleanly, but the pressure is beginning to mount, real pressure from Kytrov, who forces a standing count

14:37: 5-3 to Ogogo after a barnstorming first round. He'll like that. More than he likes jalepenos anyway...

14:44: Some noise in the boxing arena for Ogogo. You can bet there's a fair few Irish in there to support O'Neill in 10 minutes time

14:30: Anthony Ogogo fights for Britain now, as we move to the middleweights. He is in Subway ads, and was once in Big Brother on Channel 4. I don't know why I know that.

14:29: Even with 2 penalty seconds, a time of 107 leads the slalom now. Hannah not quite out of it yet, but the rest of the field is really showing the standard expected for an Olympic final now.

14:26: First clean run of the day at the Lee Valley, 109 seconds. That's an idea of what one would need for a medal

14:23: Another slower than Hannah! Things looking good for the Antrim woman!

14:19: We're back to the boxing on the main telly, still have the canoeing on his little brother. Chinese paddler is outside Hannah's time - which is 116.12, for anyone interested. Three more slower and she's through.

14:17: A British rower just told us that "over the last 100 metres we were all blowing out of our hoops". Presumably something got lost in translation there. I bloody hope so.

14:14: Hannah keeps it tight, and comes in waaaay inside Luuka's time by 5.29 seconds! That, to be fair, probably won't be the best yardstick, but its a marker. She'll need 4 more to trail her come the finish to make the final - 10 of the 15 will proceed to the medal round later.

14:13: Clips a gate, two second penalty but no need for panic yet

14:12: Here goes Hannah. Come on darling!

14:10: Pub carpark stuff now, crowd is loving it. Be switching to the canoeing the second we see a hand raised here - Luuka Jones is first off for New Zealand as we speak. Or type. You know what I fucking mean, alright?

14:08: 2 points! A warning for the Indian - it's now a 6 point gap and that should be that. One session to go

14:07: The boxing is getting testy here, a Kazahk and an Indian throwing shoulders, rabbit punches, hitting after the break. Gotta love a bit of a tear-up, in fairness

14:04: I can't hear the commentary because I've started listening to Jackson 5 songs on youtube. I am dangerously easily distracted for a liveblogger.

14:00: Hannah Craig should be slaloming - so to speak - in about 15 minutes time; we'll be keeping an eye on proceedings right here

13:59: I'd love to know who picks these boxing entrance songs. Bit of Michael Jackson would put me right off, to be honest. Dancing for days.

13:57: Earlier this morning, Melanie Nocher had a fairly disappointing swim in the 200m backstroke. She has since been very kindly updating us about her vomiting on Twitter. Just what you want, really.

13:50: The other Irish "action" right now is a dancing horse - Anna Merveldt's score was 69.742%. If she was doing her Leaving Cert, that's just outside a B3, but I have no idea what it does for her in a dressage competition.

13:47: Out on the water, O'Leary and Burrows are dropping further off the pace, 24 points off the medals in ninth position. RTE don't give a fuck, and are showing women's field hockey instead. And not even Dutch women's field hockey

13:43: My heart was warmed in seeing comments left last night - if you want to try cardiac cooking  in a similar fashion, do feel free - get involved down the end of the page.

13:40: It's a 15-3 win, dominant stuff from the Ukranian. Almost reminds you of another untouchable lightweight

13:39: Jesus, this Lomochenko really is something. He hasn't lost in international competition since the Worlds in 2007. That's impressive.

13:36: Afternoon! We're on boxing to begin, and the pound-for-pound number one in the world, Vasyl Lomochenko is giving some poor Dominican lad an absolute battering.

Boxing Judges - What's The Point?

The comments section of last night's round-up saw a query on the judging of John Joe Nevin's last 16 bout versus Kanat Abutalipov; right on cue, the first major controversy of the boxing tournament arose, as Satoshi Shimizu (right) won an appeal against his defeat in the bantamweight division. Dodgy decisions in the Sweet Science, it seems, are not ready to disappear anytime soon.

It is, of course, not an issue limited to the amateur game - the professional ranks is just as prone to bad calls from the ringside adjudicators, Manny Pacquiao's loss to Timothy Bradley perhaps the most visible example in recent months. Furthermore, it isn't a new issue by any means: Roy Jones Jr. famously found himself on the wrong end of the sport's most infamous hometown decision, while closer to home Joe Ward was forced to deal with a similarly biased call. The question, really, is what can be done about it?

After all, from loaded gloves to fixed fights (and just about everything in between) boxing is hardly renowned as a fair or even-handed sport. Frankly, even a committed fan of the sport - like myself - would have to say it stinks to high heavens. The expectation that it will suddenly rise from its murky past and become a whiter-than-white picture of piety is, in short, ridiculous. It will require a concerted effort to make the boxing even vaguely more acceptable as an uncorrupted and honest game.

First thing that needs to happen is the scores being updated live, on-screen, for everyone. This is just a question of transparency: if we can see the points being totted up as it happens, we'll be a lot more accepting of close calls than right now, as the scores revealed 3 minutes later could have been compiled in any number of ways. Its not just better TV - its better regulation too, better policy in an effort to minimise the occurrences of situations like last night's.

Secondly, the number of judges should go up. How high, it hardly matters, but with every new pair of eyes involved, the margin for error is reduced. The unfortunate truth is that it remains entirely subjective, at the mercy of human error, sight lines and yes, an amount of audience pressure too. It would be silly to believe that a partisan crowd wouldn't have some sort of effect - it is sillier to not recognise the possibility and reduce the likelihood of it happening. 3 of 5 judges might make the same errors - the chance of 5 of 9 doing so is lower.

Short of strapping the boxers to wires and scoring it like fencing, there is little opportunity to change how we score fights. As long as men step inside the squared circle, there will always be debate, always a cause for conjecture and controversy. Of that there can be no doubt - the question is whether the IOC, IABA and other powers that be really care. If they do, there are steps to be taken to help the sport become that much more transparent and fair - if they don't, then prepare for plenty more shocks in the coming years.

'Lympic Ladies #10 - Marlen Esparza

If the world of women's field hockey is scary, then the world of women's boxing is positively terrifying. There's no rocket science involved here: the sort of girl who enjoys punching people in the face - and getting punched themselves - is usually a fucking mental. Even more so than most women, like. But Marlen Esparza is a little different.

The diminutive Texan is as successful outside the ring as she is inside, modelling for CoverGirl and featured in fashion bible Vogue. A perky, bubbly personality coupled with a killer smile and typical Latino loveliness marks Esparza out from the black-eyed, contusion covered field as the hottest property in women's boxing.

She is in line to face our 'Lympic Legend Karlha Magliocco in the quarters, and loyalties at The 'Lympics Log will be torn. One thing is certain, though - if it's a question of looks, the American flyweight gets the decision every time.

The Just-So-They-Don't-Assume-Annalise-Is-On-Drugs Blog - Irish at the Olympics: Day 5

Ye Shiwen has been so perfect everyone assumes she's on drugs. After 4 wins in the Women's Laser Radial, Annalise Murphy looked set to spend the rest of the year peeing in plastic tubs, but showed the presence of mind to dissuade the testers by sailing like a normal person this afternoon. Just when we thought it was a complete procession, finishes of eighth and 19th brought us all down to earth, and served a timely reminder of how quickly things can change. Though Murphy still tops the standings, her lead has been trimmed to just two points, with 4 races before the medal race. James Espey (pictured left) made sure of a similarly inauspicious performance, standing 45th right now. O'Leary and Burrows fell to 12th in the Star class, while the 49er of Ryan Seaton and Matt McGovern tumbled to 19th.

More mediocrity was to follow, with David McCann's finish of 27th in the men's Time Trial. Predictably, the Britlanders went ape-poopy as Bradley Wiggins, the bemutton-chopped winner of the Tour de France grabbed gold, but the real winner was the bloke whose chain snapped as he left the ramp. And then his back wheel fell off. Sometimes I guess it's just not your day.

Another man who knew it was simply not his day was our representative on the rapids, as Eoin Rheinisch - who came close to a medal in Beijing - crashed out of the canoeing slalom at the semi-final stage, finishing 14th at the Lee Valley course. With only 10 men qualifying for the final, Rhino found himself well outside the mark, having incurred a 50 second penalty for passing a gate coming towards the end of the course.

John Joe Nevin celebrates his 15-10 victory in the octo-finals

One man who has never passed a gate is John Joe Nevin, and he once again displayed the class and style which has many - including this here blog - tipping him for glory. Nevin led from start to finish on his way to a 15-10 win over Kanat Abutalipov, and was given further encouragement in finding the world number one Anvar Yunusov dumped unceremoniously from the competition, beaten by Fierro Valdez. Nevin will guarantee a medal by beating Valdez on Sunday;
going by performances so
far, the only question is
what colour it will be.

DOWNTOWN!!!

It was really a question of when, not if. The hero that is Timmy McCarthy has been immortalised on youtube - and boy is it a cracker!

'Lympic Ladies #9 - Ellen Hoog

Today's 'Lympic Lady comes courtesy of a tip from IrishmanAbroad, a Irish ex-pat's wry take on European life, our absurd culture clashes and the Dutch love of brown leather shoes.

Field hockey is, at its core, a very scary sport. The aggression, the violence, the disturbing sight of a girl smiling through a mouthguard - just about everything about it seems to scare watching males in a major way. But even a stopped clock tells the right time twice a day, and every now and the hockey gets it right. Introducing Ellen Hoog.

Ellen is a striker for the Dutch national team, who have created quite a stir in the opening days of their quest to retain their title. And in a squad not short of lookers, it takes something to stand out, yet the 26 year old from Bloemendaal has it. It might be the piercing blue eyes. Or the long blonde hair. Or the inch-perfect physique. Or the fact that she seems to enjoy getting into states of undress in front of cameras Any of the above, really.

And suddenly, out of nowhere, field hockey has jumped up the list of sports worth going out of the way to watch. Along with BFF Sophie Polkamp, the Dutch are making us rethink all we thought we knew. They may be playing on that horrible blue pitch, but with ladies like Ms. Hoog running around we'll get over it.

The A-Tale-Of-Two-Murphys Blog - Irish at the Olympics: Day 4

The day began with a familiar air of valiant losers, as Sanita Puspure's fourth place in the single skulls saw her relegated to the C final. In truth, the B final would have been the target - medals were never really in the equation - so it wasn't as disappointing as it may seem. Significant disappointment had come before that, though, in the form of Grainne Murphy's withdrawal from the 800m freestyle on Thursday. Murphy (left) picked a woeful time to come down with glandular fever, and after her performance in the 400m, where she posted a time 10 seconds outside her qualifying mark, she chose to leave London 2012 behind. Which is a reasonable decision really - most people struggle to scratch their own arses when suffering from mono, never mind swim the best part of a kilometre.

Thank God, then, for another Murphy, as Annalise (pictured right) continued her complete dominance of the Women's Laser Radial, another two wins to go with her two from yesterday. As previously discussed, it's a pretty long event, so there's no chicken counting going on quite yet, but her 12 point lead is certainly not to be sneezed at - especially considering the incredible form she is in. Elsewhere on the water, Peter O'Leary and David Burrows slipped to ninth in the standings after 11th and 12th place finishes, while Ryan Seaton and Matthew McGovern had a second place finish in the latter of today's races to thank in helping them retain their sixth position. James Epsey, meanwhile, is clearly unaware that it's actually a race, and has presumably brought a six-pack of lager and a fishing rod out in his Laser. After four races, he lies in 40th, and has still caught nothing.

Chloe Magee's badminton adventure came to an end, beaten after giving France's Pi Hongyan a proper battle in the deciding match of their round-robin group. Magee won the first 21-16, but scores of 21-18 and 21-14 were enough to see the former world number 4 through, and enough to allow me to not have to watch badminton for at least another 4 years. I don't know what it is, I just can't warm to its dynamics. It's a bit like Wayne Rooney - really fast and really slow at the same time.

And as for the horses? Well, what a finish!! After losing Camilla Speirs and Michael Ryan, it looked like Ireland had no hope, but suddenly Bill Murray came out to make up the numbers!! With the odds completely stacked against them and the abilities of Charles Barkley, Patrick Ewi...oh, hang on, that was actually the ending to Space Jam. Instead, some horses jumped over some fences and we placed in 5th. Aoife Clarke (right) was the best individually, finishing 12th.

'Lympic Legends #4 - Karlha Magliocco

Our previous Olympic heroes have been figures who have made tremendous contributions to the Games over the years. This Olympic hero has never competed. What's more, she's never broadcasted - at least not officially, anyway. In fact, her first proper involvement in the olympics isn't until Sunday. But when you've got a voice like Karlha Magliocco's, you get involved whenever the fuck you feel like it.

Karlha is a flyweight boxer who will take on Erica Matos in her first round fight on Sunday, but the by then the ExCel Arena, the crowds, commentators and everyone else will be more than familiar with the diminuitive Venezuelan. See, Karlha can scream. I mean, she can SCREAM. And any time a Venezuelan fighter steps inside the ropes, Ms. Magliocco endevours to bellow support from her lofty vantage point, completely alone in the top deck (pictured above).

At first people found it annoying. Then it became kind of endearing, especially as she encouraged them to join in. By the end, every scream was greeted with rapturous ovations from the thousands assembled. When Hungary's Zoltan Harcsa had the impertinence to defeat Jose Espinoza on Monday, he was booed heartily by every single person in the building. He was, needless to say, utterly clueless as to what he had done to deserve it. But we knew.

So Karlha - expected to make an early exit at the hands of her Brazilian opponent - is inducted into the most exclusive club of the Games - The 'Lympic Legends. Gabriel Maestre of Venezuela takes on Siphiwe Lusizi on Friday. Magliocco will presumably be there too.
Turn the volume up and enjoy.

Reader Request - The Greatest Names of the XXX 'Lympiad

Reader Travis Bui was in touch from Pittsburgh in the US of States, saying: 

"I've been reading your blog, you need to do a post on interesting names at the Olympics"

And you know what? Travis is dead fucking right. And so here, for your enjoyment, are 10 of the most entertaining names on show and in competition in London this year.

Destinee Hooker
You'd figure a name like Destinee sort of implied a future as a prostitute anyway. This US volleyball player's parents left nothing to chance.

Victoria Poon
A freestyle specialist, Poon hails from Hong Kong, represents Canada, and causes laughter everywhere.

Jack Bauer
This New Zealand cyclist actually achieved a tremendously impressive 10th place in the Road Race on Saturday. He said it was the longest day of his life

Yu Du
Who's from China? Yu! Who's the shooter? Yu!! Who do?! YU DU!!!! This could go on for hours...

Yoo Suk Kim
First question for this polevaulter is - who's Kim? Although, of course, he'd actually call himself Kim Yoo Suk - leading to the same question really.

Dong Dong
Of course it sounds dirty. This Chinese trampolinist is essentially named Penis Penis. This was particularly traumatic to his super-religious parents, who were trying to name him after The Angelus.

Yoshie Takeshita
Is it an instruction? A request? Or just one of the finest names the volleyball court has ever seen?

Zbigniew Bartman
The volleyball court is a fertile ground for comedic names, it would seem. And in the men's batlle for a moniker of mirth, Poland's hopes may well lie on the shoulders of Bartman!!

Sparkle McKnight
I have no idea why I found this so funny. But like Pretendy McFakerson, or Phony O'Counterfeit, the Trinidad & Tobago sprinter's name cannot possibly be real

John Smith
South African rower/comedy gold.

'Lympic Ladies #8 - Antonija Misura

The presence of our 'Lympic Legend Timmy McCarthy is more than enough to ensure viewers will flock to the basketball coverage of this Olympics anyway. But just incase you were unconvinced, let me supply you with another - perhaps even more convincing - reason to give the hoops a shot: Croatian starlet Antonija Misura.

We've hardly been short of lookers in this segment so far, but good God is Antonija is bringing the heat. The absolute epitome of blond-haired, bright-eyed, hard-bodied gorgeousness: she looks like something created by a computer. The point-guard is 6 foot of relentless beauty. Toned and tanned, a stunning smile and legs that just won't quit - the 24 year old is beyond the beyond.

A further bonus is that, going by available photos, she doesn't appear to own pants. And therefore spends all her time walking around in nothing but underwear. That might cause a problem if you or I did it, but frankly if I looked like Antonija I wouldn't expect complaints. If you look like Antonija, email me.