Danny Boyle's Farm - The Liveblog!!

The Opening Ceremony of an Olympics is a bit like Katy Perry attaching fireworks to her breasts - it makes no difference, we were looking that way anyway. However, they are a great opportunity to put on a show, learn geography and be intimidated by the prospect of being ruled by a superpower. Danny Boyle has promised sheep, cricket and plenty more. Join us right here from 9pm as we track the action from the Olympic Stadium.

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00:50: Well, just about 4 hours later, that's all folks!! To anyone who actually took it upon themselves to read along throughout the ceremony, thank you, and an even bigger thank you to the commenters who kept me amused. The Games are open and, of course, you won't miss a trick right here with The 'Lympics Log. I'm off for a cold beer and a few cigarettes. Good night!!

00:47: "Quintessentially British" was the BBC's verdict, "dramatic" is RTE's. Mine? A bloody great call. It was sensible, honest and genuine, and for a performance that size, that's one hell of an achievement. Danny Boyle and his team should be proud.

00:36: And the dogs of North East London are terrorised by fireworks. Paul McCartney chimes in now too. Hey Jude is the ultimate way to finish the night. In fact, the ultimate way to finish any night.

00:35: Wow. I had wondered what the kids were carrying alongside every nation's flag - it was those copper petals at the end of each rod of the cauldron. Well done. That's quality work, that is.

00:31: That last update may have been a little curt. This torch business is always nice. Good to see the kids playing a part again too - say what you want about the organisation, the cost and even if its all worth the hassle, but you can't fault the involvement of the youth of the country  They promised that, and they certainly delivered.

00:29: This whole oath stuff is a pile of shite really, isn't it. We've see judges messing, trainers messing and of course athletes messing. It means NOTHING. Whatever, as long as it gets me closer to getting off this computer and into the smoking room, it's fine.

00:24: Becks clearly hasn't exactly been gunning it in that fucking boat. He's only still approaching, but now docks - so to speak - handing over to the great Steve Redgrave.

00:22: The flag is also carried by Marina Silva, " THE CHAMPION OF THE EARTH". Some title, though it may not compare to "The Greatest" - Muhammed Ali.

00:18: Here's Lizzie anyway. She may have has a bit of a nap, but she's back in action now. Flag is out, and carriers include Haile Gebreselassie and Ban Ki Moon. Sounds like the answer to one of those "dream dinner party" questions.

00:14: Even at this late stage - both in the night and in the 116 year history of the Games - Jacques Rogge's note that every participating country has a female competitor is poignant. Or maybe I'm just getting emotional because I haven't had a cigarette since half 8. I dunno.

00:10: A very fine point made by Ross, who's been in touch: "The Albanians and them have been standing there for hours! Must be wrecked".

00:07: Sebastian Coe, Lord Coe, Good Ol' Seb, whatever. Either way, he's talking away. Even if you're an Ovett person, you'd have to say he gives good speech.

00:01: The Chizler - who, as he points out, is doing a better job than the Queen of staying awake - asks "when do the phonelines for the voting open?". Does it really matter? Block voting will dictate that Dominica, St. Lucia, Antigua and Barbuda and the boys will stick together and we'll be off to the Carribean next time. Actually, that doesn't sound bad, does it?

00.00: Well, it's been 3 hours and we're still going. Still a flame to be lit, still a speech or two, I'd think. But at least everyone showed up. Arctic Monkeys to wake up anyone who was beginning to lag.

23:57: Like disco astronauts, the home contingent are in. Team GB get the ovation you would expect to the strains of Bowie's Heroes.

23:53: The Artist Formerly Known As Swiney has been in touch from Germany, commenting on how unfortunate it is Chinese Taipei can't walk under their own flag. Indeed and it is, but it could be worse 

23:47: Turns out I wasn't seeing things Gareth Ryle has fired us this video in double quick time. At the very least, it's extremely unfortunate.

23:39: They're still coming. Nothing of note. In the comments section, princesswhatshername asks "I thought the Olympics had started, like, a week ago?". No, the finest blog of the Olympics started a week ago. And I suppose they have been playing soccer for a day or two. This is the start of the real deal though.

23:33: Sao Tome and Principe, take a place with Nauru and Comoros on the naughty step.  We'll be with you presently. Seriously, learn something new every day and all of that, eh?

23:31: St.Vincent & The Grenadines would be a fantastic name for an indie band, no?

23:30: Rwandan flag-bearer - see Peru

23:27: Peruvian flag-bearer needs to Cheer Up Charlie. Looks like the cover of a National Geographic

23:22: Nauru? Seriously, I'm pretty good at geography and I'm getting suspicious. You go stand with Comoros in the corner, I have a few questions to ask once this is over.

23:18: I know what Micronesia is. I even read a book about Pohnpei (which comes highly recommended). But I still always picture people from Micronesia to be tiny. They aren't.

23:12: Oh my word. A quick glance outside shows the entire Team GB are dressed like Jedward. Seriously.

23:10: Is it fair to speculate that China and South Korea very intentionally sent their tallest men to carry the flags? Just to debunk any myths or stereotypes, I suppose

23:07: Usain Bolt probably pisses ice-cubes. Cooler than an eskimo's mickey

23:05: Great reception for the Irish. If they gave medals for entering a stadium, walking and flag-waving, we would certainly have half a shot

23:04: Here we go!!

23:02: Independents: Liemarvin Bonevacia. Guar Marial. Luke 'Ming' Flanagan.

23:01: Ireland, of course, play a vital role here. Otherwise, it's Israel chasing Iran and Iraq around the field.

22:55: Seemed to me as though the German delegate was giving it a bit of Seig Heil as their athletes came out? Anyone else?!?!

22:54: I would be absolutely spitting to be an Ethiopian athlete. The next team up get to strut in to The Beegees, Ethiopia have to walk in to this. What a kick in the bollocks

22:49: North Korea have their own flag this evening. The Most Glorious Flag Of All Flags.

22:48: ARE THE CZECHS WEARING FUCKING WELLIES?!?! IT'S NOT OXEGEN, LADS!!

22:47: Cuban bloke telling the strap to suck it, and brandishing it aloft with one hand. Absolute beast.

22:45: Fair play Comoros. You managed to exist all that time without me even noticing. Sneaky bastards

22:43: The Chinese are here Ted. And I'm no good at judging crowds, but there must be a hundred million of them

22:41: Central African Republic. The favourite country of anyone who watches Pointless

22:38: Burundi. Every single one of them a a javelin thrower. At least I assume so - they were wearing runners, which I don't think is part of traditional dress, like

22:36: British Virgin Islands. Few weeks and they'll just be the British Islands

22:31: Belgian skirts are seriously short. Top marks. Benin, on the other hand, have just worn tablecloths. Fair play, still carrying them off, like

22:29: Observations so far - In this season: white. Out this season: Nations not beginning with 'A'

22:26: American Samoa definitely dominating in the fashion stakes so far. Armenia propping up the table - shorts?!

22:23: I really do love this bit. Nothing will ever quite compare to Atlanta, when they made them run down a steep slope. Absolute panic.

22:21: Greece did indeed give us the Olympic Games. They also gave us a barely solvent currency. So I guess it swings and roundabouts really

22:16: Ber O'Sullivan has taken one look at Emile Sande and is not impressed. "She's definitely wearing her Spanx. She'll probably explode after the song has finished".

22:13: David Beckham - is there any limits to his talent? Torch on its way - smart money today appears to be going on Roger Bannister doing the deed

22:08: HOUSE MUSIC!! I GET IT!! Brilliant.

22:05: I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles. Barry Hearn must having a fucking conniption.

22:00: Punks on pogo stilts pounding round the track. Oscar Pistorius unconcerned

21:59: In fairness, you wondered how long it would take to bang the tunes. One area that the Chinese - and everyone else, for that matter - can't really compete.

21:57: David Toms comments "This is just jaw-dropping". Which, the liveblog or the show?

21: 54: Tim Berners Lee. See, someone compared me to him for embedding a video successfully on Wednesday, but I'm pretty sure they were being sarcastic.

21:49: Mr.Bean has just made this ceremony worthwhile. That is a masterstroke - though I don't know how international the appreciation will be

21:46: You just can't see the HSE getting a role like this in an Irish ceremony, can you?!

21.44: George nominates Mary Poppins as the world's favourite nanny. Hulkamania prepares to run wild on him

21:38: Shane Calnan chips in "I was honestly just expecting a few people dancing round round a maypole". By the way, hit the comments section to get involved, give me your thoughts.

21:36: Seriously, waiting on a trolley in a corridor of a hospital is bad enough, but Christ! Some amount of kids here too. I mean, the Chinese had plenty too, but at least they were probably getting paid. For working in sweatshops.

21:33: Anyone else reckon they should leave the infield as is? Shot put would be a damn sight more challenging if you had to hoist it over a big bloody hill in the middle of proceedings

21:30: Nah, she's just come out a door. Fuck her. Can't be messing around like that, like

21:29: If this is really the Queen, I'm pledging allegiance

21:28: James Bond and Elizabeth II is perhaps the greatest crimefighting duo imaginable. Like teaming Jack Bauer and Horatio Kane or something.

21:25: Though in fairness, there was never so much writhing and thrusting in steel mills. Or, at least not back then. Now, it may well be different. Oh Jesus, was that George Hamilton doing a Bond impression?!

21.22: You'd have to give a lot of credit, this is a pretty honest display. The Chinese tried to look whiter than white: this isn't shirking any grimy, dirty aspects of Britain's past. Suppose it is Danny Boyle, after all.

21:13: Giant plumes of smoke rise from the infield. Michael Phelps insists he has nothing to do with it

21:11: Dancing men in top-hats carrying stakes and planks -  if anyone wasn't familiar with fencing, they've just been sent down a very wrong path

21:07: Clips of rugby whetting the appetite? Don't worry, just 4 years to wait, folks!!

21:05: Danny Boyle opens with Danny Boy. Well, a bit of self-promotion is grand, I suppose.

21:02: I've already got bloody vertigo. This could be a long night...

21:00: It's showtime!


20.58: BBC promise that this will "bring us through the revolutions of British society". Presumably, then, the Irish shall march under the British flag for the majority of the ceremony...